Luke 15: 20-24
20So he set off and went to his father. But while he was still far off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion; he ran and put his arms around him and kissed him. 21Then the son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” 22But the father said to his slaves, “Quickly, bring out a robe—the best one—and put it on him; put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. 23And get the fatted calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; 24for this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found!” And they began to celebrate.
And lo, the prodigal theologian returns. Where did the time go?
I have grand ideas a lot. Sometimes, I don’t live up to them. The problem is, I also think I should, and then I don’t, and then I get mad at myself.
I’m very much a prodigal, in many ways. The story is one where we see a boy pretending he’s a man, taking his inheritance, wasting it, and then coming home with his head hung low, begging forgiveness. But in the twist nobody expects, forgiveness is given, and not only that, his return is celebrated.
I have, for the past month or so, been dealing some health problems. My health has become a big issue for me, and sometimes, my meds don’t allow me to do the things that I need to do, or that I want to do. It’s been difficult, especially for a guy who is kind of a perfectionist when it comes to these kinds of things. I have big dreams. I can’t live up to them all the time.
But, I can still try.
My problem is that I beat myself up for not living up to the impossibly high standards I’ve set for myself. I haven’t quite factored in my limitations just yet…after 25 years, I’ve got a lot to learn. But the thing is, I have to not feel so guilty or shameful for what I can or can’t do, and just live with it, do the best I can, and move on.
I may not get to blog every single day this season of Lent. I just won’t. But I will try. And I will do what I can.
This is my fast. I’m trying to give of my time and my energy to blog, and in essence, give the time to God. It’s a learning process. I know, though, that God is big enough and loving enough to welcome me with open arms, even when my big ideas fall flat on their faces.
God loves, and forgives.